random thoughts

on repeat

2011-11-18T00:01:00.000+08:00

this has been replaying on my mind tonight

"yes, i know i'm not that good of a person but at lest i try to be the best as i know how..."

i am ...

2011-11-17T12:49:00.000+08:00

i am looking forward for the weekend.
insyallah the family will participate in world walking day at taman gelora, kuantan this sunday. that's the plan so far.

it's aini birthday today. the 26th. hope she gets a job soon.

soup..

2010-04-05T23:36:00.002+08:00

this brings back childhood memories of a summer holiday, a caravan, the beach and lost sandals

happy birthday

2010-04-05T20:40:00.000+08:00

blog ini sudah berusia empat tahun

the end

2010-03-29T17:34:00.001+08:00

blog ini akan ditamatkan riwayatnya untuk tontonan umum.

leave ur email, if u wish to continue reading ...

the end

2010-03-29T00:11:00.000+08:00

blog ini akan ditamatkan riwayatnya...

the road not taken...

2010-02-09T18:35:00.000+08:00

i choose the one less traveled by.
let's hope i have a safe journey

was blissful

2010-02-03T23:02:00.002+08:00

ignorance is bliss.

however...

the truth slaps u in the face n gives u a smack down

how to choose...

2010-02-03T23:00:00.001+08:00

between honoring a promise and following your heart ...
which one would you choose?

i dont hate....

2010-02-03T19:18:00.002+08:00

...
well, i try my best ... my very best not to.
because for me...

hate...
H. A. T. E.
hate
is too much of an emotion.
its really really heavy to carry around.
and who needs all that negativity in one's life.

but..

i do...
really strongly absolutely positively ...
DO NOT LIKE!

for example, i dont like people who call me and play guessing games with me when i ask who am i speaking too.

"hello, aisyah ye"
"ye"
"pekaba? sihat? skg kat mana?"
"alhamdulillah sihat. masih di sekolah. nie sape ye?"
"sekolah di mana ye?"
"smk keratong. boleh tau nie sape?"
"ala... nie kawan lama la. "
"iye. tapi sape?"
"ala kawan lama aisyah la.. tak kan tak kenal"
"memang tak kenal tu sebab tanya.."
"takpe la... nanti saya call balik"

and then, the caller hangs up.
definitely annoying... kan?

mind u, i try to sound congenial.
if the other end sounds the same.

....

anyway my old friends dont call me 'aisyah'.
they call me after the hamster that later became my nickname.

....

2010-01-27T14:44:00.000+08:00

nawaitu tak di set dgn betul...

skg dh rasa akibatnya.

blh gostan tak?

almost...

2010-01-20T17:29:00.002+08:00

but didnt.

i almost wanted to delete this.
but was undecided on doing so..
so i limited its access to only one person...me.

finally i realised, i shouldn't...
at least, not now.
it would be a lost if i did.
a lost of self documentation of 4 years...

and most important.
the lost of the link between friends.

as i know, i'm not the best person to call a friend.
my actions don't always reflect the best person i can be.

being stoic and none emotional... is my security blanket

kuda hitam ku

2009-11-17T22:39:00.002+08:00

kuda hitam ku tidak lagi gagah berlari

pelajar harapan..

2009-08-14T11:17:00.002+08:00

at this current moment at one end of the staff room at photo shoot is being conducted. a photo shoot of the pelajar yang diharapkan cemerlang in the coming pmr examnination.

personally i think..the pix are gonna come out more as mugshots than pix that shows that these are the would be excellent pmr candidates

Untuk jimmy

2009-08-10T14:38:00.002+08:00

Jimmy suruh update.

The weekend as usual, balik rumah mak. Balik lepas waktu maghrib. Under normal law abiding, speed limit adhering circumstances, it's a 2+hour, 135km drive. For me it takes one and a half hour from keratong, Bandar tun razak to kg sri damai,kuantan.

Pada petang jumaat tu, cadangnya nak balik pukul 7pm. The plan for that evening was 3.00-5.00pm, use the school hall untuk buat ujian bulanan form 4. Pastu 5.15 to 6.15, coach netball. Tapi plan tu jadi celaru bila dapat msg dari housemate yang kena balik jengka, tengahhari sebelum waktu balik(sekolah ku tiada loceng). Petang tu org astro nak buat installation. Jangka antara 1 or 2 pm..

1 pm. Tunggu…tiada.

2 pm. Tunggu … tiada.

2.50pm. tak boleh tunggu.

So 2.55pm kuar rumah g mimi mart. Tempat photostate paling murah di Bandar tun razak.

3.05pm tiba di sekolah. Pelajar2 sudah menunggu di wakaf tepi pondok jaga di tepi pagar utama. Dewan masih berkunci. Silap diri sendiri lupa nak pesan kat pak guard. Berjalan ke pondok pak guard.

" assalamualaikum. Pakcik boleh bukakan dewan"

"cikgu dah ada ke?" sambil memandang ke arah dewan.

"sayalah cikgu nya" di sambut oleh gelak ketawa pelajar2ku.- felt like rolling my eyes but a smile feels more polite.

Dewan di buka. Pelajar mengambil tempat masing-masing. Dan kertas pun mula diedarkan. Tetapi bila bungkusan kertas dibuka. Tempat photostate paling murah di Bandar tun razak, tidak mengikuti spesifikasi yang diarahkan. Berlakulah salah cetak. Hilanglah face validity kertas ujian ku. Terbazirlah 70 helaian kertas yang disalah cetak. Terbazirlah rm2.80 yang bersamaan dengan sepinggan nasi lemak telur & Nescafe tarik, yang tidak ku makan pada tengah hari tersebut di kantin sekolah…ujian lewat dimulakan. 15 minit lebih lewat daripada apa yang ku jangkakan.

4 pm

"You came and saved me tonight
Defending all my life
Now I'm content with my breathe
'Cause I'm alive.."

Ringtone ku. Korus 'saved' nyanyian the spill canvas, memecah kesunyian dewan.

"hello…"

"hello. Aisyah dah balik kuantan ke?"

"tak. kat sekolah. Buat ujian kat dewan"

"Aisyah. Boleh balik tak, jap? Org astro dh tunggu kat rumah."

"ok." Inginku katakan tidak. Tapi mulutku terlalu sopan

Bangun. Bergerak ke kantin (terletak di sebelah dewan). Terdapat beberapa pelajar 5 rc di situ. Mungkin mereka boleh diguna pakai sebentar untuk mengawasi pelajar-pelajar tingkatan 4 ku… sedang langkah ku menuju ke kantin. Ternampak wan. Si gempal pengawas 5ss yang ku tidak berapa suka kerana sikap lagak authoritive nya. Melihat dirinya ku rasakan dia lebih sesuai untuk mengantiku sebentar di dewan berbanding mereka di kantin. Alhamdulillah. Dia boleh digunapakai.

Bergegas kembali ke rumah. Nasib baik hanya 5+ minute drive. Parking. 4 tingkat ku daki.

Salah seorangnya sudah menunggu didepan pintu rumah ku.

Installation dilakukan. 4.55 pm siap. Bergegas ku kembali ke sekolah. Tiba di sekolah, tidakku terus ke dewan. Ke padang dulu. Briefing dulu pemain-pemain bola jarring, apa yang ku harap mereka lakukan. "Buat warm up. Stretching. Lari 2 pusingan court. Practice buat hantaran. Jam 5.30 insyaAllah. Cikgu kembali. "

Kembali ke dewan. Masuk tak bagi salam. Sebaliknya.. " you have 30 more minutes ..."

30 minit berlalu. Ujian ditamatkan. Kertas jawapan dikutip dan disimpan di dalam kereta. Ke padang pula. Latihan bola jaring tamat jam 6.30. kembali ke rumah. Rehat sebentar di depan tv. Packing barang. kemas rumah. Sapu lantai. Buang segala sampah. Mandi. Get dressed.Bersiap untuk balik kuantan. Pastikan tingkap ditutup. Ayat kursi dibaca. Pintu dikunci. Mangga diselak dgn bacaan selawat. 7.30pm memandu keluar dari keratong lepas azan maghrib.

8.20pm. beberapa kilometer lepas politeknik muadzam yang tak siap-siap. Tetiba jam. Jam. jalan itu tak pernah jam.

Musnah flight plan aku untuk makan malam bersama keluarga. Sejam lebih terperangkap. Puncanya lori balak terbalik. Kesesakan lalulintas dianggarkan 10km panjangnya, menghala ke kuantan dan juga segamat.

Tiba di rumah 10.30 malam. Mak abah, semua dh makan dulu.

Jadi ku ambil semangkuk spaghetti yang mak goreng macam mee (ikut kefahaman mak, mee kuning kurang baik untuk kesihatan. Bihun takpe.). Dari dapur …Menapak lagi 50 meter ke arah tv yang ada siaran astro … ke common room. Living room yang lebih dekat ada tv. Tapi tv ruang tersebut, Tiada astro. Siaranya lebih banyak static dan skrinnya lebih kecil.

Tonton tv sambil makan semangkuk spaghetti yang mak goreng macam mee. Habis makan. Malas pula nk kembalikan mangkuk ke dapur. Mangkuk diletakkan di kaki sofa. Tonton tv lagi smpai tertido. Bila tertido pun tak tau. Bangun jam 12.30. gigi terasa seperti disira dengan gula (jangan salah faham,spaghetti yang mak goreng macam mee tidak manis rasanya..). bangun. Gosok gigi. Basuh muka, basuh kaki. Masuk bilik. Tido.

Mangkuk spaghetti yang mak goreng macam mee masih di kaki sofa.

isnin 10 ogos 2009.

2.34pm.

kertas ujian jawapan pelajar masih di dalam kereta.

ulbs

2009-06-22T15:25:00.001+08:00

Pentaksir kawasan nak dating rabu nie. Sekarang terhegeh-hegeh buat report

yesterday

2009-06-16T10:06:00.002+08:00

yesterday was his birthday. and finally we were able to celebrate it together after 7 years of friendship.
i miss him already

Friendly neighbor?

2009-05-15T11:43:00.001+08:00

One of the single female teacher when back home yesterday during morning recess to get some eye drops. To her surprise she found her male neighbour who was shirtless standing in front of her open fridge. The neighbor claimed that he heard some noise coming from her house. He thought there was an intruder or maybe a robbery in progress so he when to inspect, the door wasn't lock so he went inside.

One of the housemates of the single female teacher who was last to leave the house that morning said she was certain she locked the door before going to work.

Building castles

2009-05-05T12:05:00.002+08:00

We built castles last nite.

Castles made of clouds. Just hoping it's the one that gives you shade n comfort during a hot sunny day.

Hope it's not like the one I built last time. That turned into a thunder storm with nothing to salvage afterwards.

the cooking contest

2009-04-30T10:33:00.003+08:00

there was a cooking contest yesterday...

aku gebang je lebih nak buat potato salad.
last-last aku tak masuk pun.

alasan...
kelas habis pukul 3.15.
pertandingan start pukul 3

Ladap

2009-04-28T15:29:00.001+08:00

The abbreviation to 'latihan dalam perkhidmatan'.

Today's topic is system analisis peperiksaan (dalaman)- Sap.

My ears are hearing but my eyes are fixated on my screen searching for a potato salad recipe for tomorrows cooking competition which is part of the minggu votek

happy friday?

2009-03-20T17:10:00.002+08:00

the school holidays are nearing its end. i didnt fully spend the 7 days off work not working. i've taken a part-time job.

still in the business of teaching but supposedly at a higher level. but its still the same. the same seas of blank , blur faces until the 'aarr' or 'ooo' moments comes. a moment of realisation. . a connection is made. they finally get it or it seems they finally get it.

i got through week 3. 2 classes a week. 2 different sections. same subject. so far so good. no drama yet. i hope it stays that way. the only thing i have to complain about is the commute to work.

it's a 70+ km drive back and forth. the classes are at night. what makes it scary sometimes are the lorries on that route. the lori balak ....a minute minority of them do give way. they signal to let u know its safe enough to cut in front. the rest... it's lucky if they do. but it's rarely the case. another kind of driver is the one who like to tailgate. you signal, potong la.. clear jalan depan tu. but they just want to stay close.

the roads are dark, a bit winding. luckily i'm not too scared of the dark. i just dread it if it rains. i just pray that i am given safe passage

a new year...

2009-01-16T08:58:00.002+08:00

happy new year.

a new year, a new home.
i love having my own room, my own personal space. the only thing that i dont love living at lot 210 now, is that the unavailability of a broadband connection. apparently lot 210 is tooo remote to be connected(6.8km from the control tower). hence the lack of updates. currently i'm blogging at school.

about school life. on the 13th, had my DG41 confirmation interview. i left the room feeling bimboish... anyway, the optimistic ecot says she got through just alright. the not-so-optimistic ecot says be prepared for a call back.

this year as a teacher. i got my own class to take care of... 4pd n will b teaching some examination classes. currently busy coaching the netball team in the afternoon.
coaching is boring. i prefer playing the game.

waiting

2008-11-12T09:43:00.002+08:00

coming to school these day has become a waiting game.

waiting for school to end...

waiting for the school holidays to start...

waiting for the construction to be completed..

waiting and looking forward to move house...

looking forward to have my own room and that new bed that cost me a one & half months pay

the move...

2008-11-10T12:28:00.002+08:00

insyaAllah this month...
finally my parents will be house owners.
they waited and invested 30 years into it.

cant wait to move in.
just hope there wont be anymore delays in the construction

raya...

2008-10-09T13:10:00.003+08:00

yesterday's food

last night was my school's jamuan hari raya.
the previous nite was the majlis solat hajat & restu ilmu for pmr & spm candidates.

today
i feel really bloated.
to make matters worse my 'sewage management system' seems a bit off...

selamat hari raya

2008-09-26T08:29:00.002+08:00

4 more hours before i start heading home...

to all muslims

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf zahir Batin

the rest, happy holidays - that is if your leave was approved :)

...

2008-09-23T17:06:00.001+08:00

read my older post from previous years in the month of September. i guess so far it has become a month of revelation

i'm ok

2008-09-23T14:48:00.002+08:00

what i suspected and dreaded a year ago... has been reveal to be true.
but i'm ok.

praying that our love for one another will grow stronger & we will b closer.
praying that others will respect & accept my choice

suatu petang

2008-08-26T16:54:00.002+08:00

waiting for my ride home. i'm alone in the staff room.
suddenly....

i passed some gas.
a thought came to mind "huh, nasib baik sekolah nie takde cctv!"

the note...

2008-08-20T18:39:00.003+08:00

i share this with all those who have left a mark on my life especially the teslians

Quote:If you become a teacher, by your pupils you’ll be taught.
Author: Hammerstein II, Oscar

another note

2008-08-14T14:27:00.003+08:00

some times i feel like i'm in the wrong profession.

why?
sometimes being where i am now. being at the level of education i'm trying to impart. i feel out of placed.

why?
it seems to this naked eye that i am somewhat required to adopt 'a holier than thou' attitude. a righteousness, that is somewhat alien do the partly hedonistic being that i am. the human i am.
a human with faults. a human who sees and wants to see and willing to see the multicolours of the universe.

entahla.

experiencing a duality of personality-

the teacher

and the person.

aku cuma manusia biase

a note

2008-08-14T14:25:00.001+08:00

i entered the class.
there was a note on the table...

it made me like my job.

yang leceh

2008-08-14T07:56:00.003+08:00

nak baca blog.. nk buat blog, yang kononnya big boss kat putrajaya galakkan. terpaksa lalu kot pagar nie plak.

it has begin...

2008-08-01T21:23:00.002+08:00

i find it extremely annoying it when people tell me important things that involve myself at the last minute...

esok kne g muadzam..urusan sekolah

from keratong with love

2008-07-30T15:40:00.002+08:00

finally got a time table of my own.. previously just kept being the babysitter for this kids.
now the time to get the job done.
i am a english teacher

as it turns out this school doesnt have a favourable rept. but i'm keeping in mind wht abah said...be positive and we are what we think we are. so hopefully things wont be so bad here...

that'a all for a now...
anyway i should be coaching choral speaking now instead of blogging

hari ini dalam sejarah

2008-07-16T14:16:00.003+08:00

today i had to report myself to the jabatan pelajaran negeri pahang on matters regarding my posting; where i would teach for at least the next few years of my life.

today was the 'sesi orientasi & taklimat'. at the end of these sessions would i only know...
it began with the registration at 8.00am. all together there were 21 new teachers including myself. tentatively we would get our posting letters & knw where we were headed to around 11am. but things drag on a bit.

around 1pm only we knew...the letters were handed out and my name was first to be called.
my trembling hands, the envelope was rip open.

*drum roll, please

smk keratong

see u tomorrow insyaAllah.

akhirnya..

2008-07-12T00:43:00.000+08:00

dh trima surat posting.
lapor diri 16 julai 2008

hari koperasi

2008-07-02T23:44:00.006+08:00

sekitar hari koperasi , sekolah aku menumpang..

a substitute again

2008-06-22T15:37:00.002+08:00

i'm a substitute teacher again. this time teaching English for form 1, 2 and 4.
all together i'm teaching 5 classes...

students' essay

2008-06-06T02:41:00.002+08:00

language teachers are code crackers.
they seek the sense in the nonsense that their students produce...

ragu-ragu

2008-05-22T02:06:00.002+08:00

been marking my students' exam essays.
been reading a lot of spelling mistakes...
to a point, that has put me in doubt of my own spelling

so far...

2008-05-19T21:02:00.007+08:00

for the last month, I've been a substitute teacher. i see it sort of a probation period before the real thing. luckily for me..well i was told i was lucky by the other teachers...my students were quite good in a sense...including that one form 4 class which gave me a headache but retrospectively they made me smile.

i entered the school during their April assessment week. now I'm exiting at the end of their midterm exams...which means i got loads of paper to mark. 6 sets of form5 e.s.t papers (3 classes), 2 sets of form5 English papers (1 class), 4 sets of form4 English papers (2 classes) and 2 sets of form 2 English papers (1 class). so far i marked most of their papers except their essays. i have always dreaded marking essays.
but what to do...must do :P

some pix..

sakit kaki

2008-04-06T23:48:00.003+08:00

i think i sprain my ankle while teaching on Sunday morning. i think i did it while demonstrating what 'charge' (to attack) is.
my ankle only started aching after dinner

the hazard of being a over zealous teacher.

found

2008-04-05T22:12:00.001+08:00

.. i found mr.musician on friendster.

nape tiba2 hati ku berdebar???

last sunday..

2008-03-31T11:42:00.002+08:00

Sunday 23 march 2008. finally it was my turn to graduate. i'm a procrastinator so things moved a little bit slow for me than the rest of my graduating 2006 classmates.
so come utm's 40th convocation, it was my turn.

the people that mattered were there... my famili and someone else. thank you for being there.

dalam dewan after the ceremony....i love u abah for arranging this.

@ the admin building

Current time: 5.07 am.

2008-01-05T05:22:00.000+08:00

Usually I would still be sound asleep. But apparently I’m not. After some futile attempts of trying to sleep. Tossing and turning in bed. While being harassed by the amplified tick-tock of the clock due to the silent the night. So here I am checking in a bit early then usual.

The New Year has age of 2008 has aged for five days. I hope it's not too late to wish the kind souls who reading this…my small audience, happy new year.

My fav. New year sms that I got, goes like this…. ‘a relax mind; a peaceful soul, a joyful spirit; a healthy; a heart full of love and a pocket always full of money…these are my sincere wishes for you. Happy new year 2008!’

I hope you are blessed with the same things that were wished upon me.

have a great 2008 and beyond

the boyfriend

2007-09-11T17:52:00.000+08:00

the boyfriend is no longer the boyfriend...
i used to be in love but now i just feel used and crushed.

i knew the bf...was married. he's a divorcee with a child. i knew that..i was aware of that fact before he became the bf.i knew why the marriage ended...but that was the truth according to him.

but after tok's death..i just felt that something wasn't right. i needed him but he was never there, always using work as an excuse. i like to believe that i'm a tolerant and patient person.i thought he wanted some space as an important project was coming up...but i just couldn't silence the nagging feeling that something was wrong.

so i did some investigating.
the truth hurts...he is STILL married.
what i dreaded became true....but no more.

mr musician...u played me like one of ur instruments.
to hell with you!

29 July 2007

2007-08-13T14:01:00.000+08:00

29 July 2007. Tok…my grandma. My father’s mother passed away. I want to believe she had a peaceful death. She died peacefully. It was a Sunday morning. I was on my way back to Skudai after being home for the weekend.

Actually, my weekend that week started on a Tuesday. The real reason I was home is that I was sulking with my bf. A fact that he is still ignorant about.

Why the sulks?? He went overseas for work and failed…forgot to tell me. He came back and still forgot to tell me.
Ok, I know it might seem trivial because I already known that he was going… but still a simple message if not a phone call “I’m about to leave for ____ (fill in the destination) or “I dah selamat sampai ____” would have been nice. But no. NO such thing happened. That what got me and made me want to be anywhere but near him. not even the same state (home is Pahang…he’s in Johor)

So for some damage control on my part, I had to be home. To prevent resentment for setting in, creating a foundation for a doomed relationship (talking from experience). being away and a change of environment sometimes helps give you a better perspective on things. Anyway mak wasn’t in her best of health and I had a flexible schedule. It was the right thing to do.

It was good to be home. Dapat jalan ², pergi shopping. Time well spent. Quality time with the family. Then found out that the bf was available for the weekend. Back from KL that Saturday (the jalan ², pergi shopping part) bought the earliest ticket back to JB. The 8.30am bus. The plan, get back as early as possible and spent what ever time there was with the bf before he get immerse with work again (excuse me…I know I sound desperate :P )

Kita hanya merancang. Allah penentu segalanya.
I left home around 8.20am. Sebelum tu, salam tok. Minta maaf. Kata nak balik Skudai.
8.30am. the phone call. Tok dah meninggal. Luckily I haven’t boarded the bus. My bus was late. I was in shock. I just went through the notions. Bantu mandikan tok. Buat ape yang patut.

I didn’t cry. No properly like the other, tears streaming. A tear escaped and that was it. I kind of feel guilty of having those last moments with tok when the others didn’t…of being ignorant at that moment, I didn’t notice that she was slipping away.

I still haven’t cried except from that tear. And I used to be a crybaby once upon a time ago. The emotions. The sadness. The sense of lost. The choking on emotions like you swallowed a boulder and it refuses to go down or be spit out but just stuck there. The nose starts to run. But yet, still no tears. They come uninvited. Like last week, it hit like a wave… when I was on my way to the faculty from the library, forcing me to seek refuge in the nearest toilet. Despite the fact, I was in a good mood that day. It comes and it goes. Yet still no tears.

Tok died 2 days after the date her birth was registered. 27 July

a week

2007-07-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

it's been a week already. me being here back in utm.

the place hasn't changed much. there has been some inproments thought to the place. like... the cict has a bit of a make over. nothing much just some new paint and they added some tables n chairs at the hotspots...
the library had some change too. change which i wished they did much earlier instead of this semester. but i guess, it's better a bit late than never. like me. better graduate a bit late than the others than not graduating at all.
the library- they changed the doors. to the electronic sensor sliding doors. there are no more shelves to put ur bags at. instead you can bring them along into the library...this is the thing i wish they've done earlier. previously i had to jugle most of my stuff.

today met up with my former jogging buddy. actually it was a coincidence...while i was eating at pak ali with my roomie, i saw him. being in a relatively good mood i decided to give him a wave...too cut out the details that followed after tht. we met up again, caught up over some cakes and tea and cleared some misunderstandings. the misunderstanding was totally his fault because he didnt clarify the matter with me but chose to go with the gossip. wasted almost 2 years of years of friendship due to tht. now i know the misteri behind the silent treatment.

decided to continue my routine of jogging in the evenings but when i was just about to step outside it statred raining...
still had my work out though. my building has 7 floors so what i did was ran up and down those 7 floors.also did some push ups and sit ups in between the going downs. and after that work out, my knees feel like jell-o and they still do

aku kembali lagi

2007-07-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

...menyambung perjuangan yang belum selesai.

this time round i got no more excuses why to still hang around. i go to finish what I've started.i must finish what I've started.

just filling the gaps..

2007-04-17T13:46:00.000+08:00

next ppr 19.4.2007 8.30pm

got this off saguya michiga

Which ''Heroes'' TV Character are YOU? [pics]
H.R.G. - Mr. Bennet You are Horn Rimmed Glasses (aka Mr. Bennet)! Despite some identity confusion, you are not a bad person. You've made some poor choices, but for every bad choice you've faced up to, you've seemed to redeem yourself. You are willing to sacrifice a lot to save the ones you love, and you are smart and cool under pressure. You can talk your way out of many a situation. You have no superpowers (sorry) but your natural ability to think on your feet is awesome.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

glowing inside

2007-04-15T14:52:00.000+08:00

i'm glowing inside with happiness..
but what surfaces...

jerawat

opps...excuse me

2007-04-05T13:24:00.000+08:00

terkentut kuat la plak kat library...(my current location)
luckily it wasnt a major stink bomb.
just more noise than stink.
what to do???
pretend it never happen.

hijrah...

2007-04-04T13:01:00.000+08:00

"berpindah untuk mengecapi sesuatu yang lebih baik...itu suatu hijrah."
i dont really remember who said this to me...maybe it was one of my sisters or was it somebody else. ...

good bye ktdi..
due to some server failure, i was late to register for my hostel placement for next sem. i wanted to stay at ktdi. but they were fully booked...so i had to go with what was available. it was either kolej 9 or kolej12/13. i cchoose the latter.

buhbye ktdi.. i had fun and blessed memories staying with you for the last 14 years.

one down

2007-04-02T16:04:00.000+08:00

tekun bekerja

alhamdulillah finally i've submitted my proposal thus completing the requirement to at least pass psm1..

this is after ive failed myself 3x on tht paper...
but that was then..a part of my life when i was sleep walking through it and being a bit suicidal. suicidal here doesnt mean that i wanted to kill myself, it's just that i caused harm to myself. not direct physical harm..but subtle things like not doing my assignments n going AWoL from classes. ok, it was academic suicidal.
retropect, i dont have many regrets.
yes, it would have been nice to be able to graduate with my fellow classmates. but i guess, not everyone goes through the same path. its my life and this is my journey. my destination??? that i have yet to figure out. but at least now, i'm awake.

14 more days to the finals. 2 more assignments that need completing

berita gembira

2007-03-12T20:57:00.000+08:00

dapat berita gembira hari ni..
penghantaran final draft psm1 dilanjutkan ke minggu ke 15.
alhamdulillah.
sbb aku bru nak minta extension nak hantar minggu ke 13, pada hal tarikh tutupnya minggu ke 12...sekranag minggu 11
nasib baik...sbb bab 2 aku, hanya mengandungi title nya sahaja

lost

2007-03-11T15:35:00.000+08:00

what is lost..maybe it can be gainned back through the virtue of wisdom, patience and forgiveness... i just hope so

by the pool

2007-03-08T14:10:00.000+08:00

last tuesday evening went swimming with hapsah at tmn. u..
based on my observation that evening...
girls who wear the tiny bikinies...they dont really swim.
they just sit in the water looking pretty while thier boyfriends ( i pressume)/ male companions do lapses... they remindered me of this

(source)

excuse me...its not me, its my hormones...

what women want...

2007-03-02T17:18:00.000+08:00

watch the 'what women want' finale on 8tv yesterday nite. basically the show is about...

'What Women Want, seeks to answer the long standing question with Malaysia''''s 13 hottest bachelors, all ready and willing to take up the weekly challenges and gruelling tests in order to prove that they do have what it takes to become what women ''''really'''' want.'

hafiz emerged the winner from the 13 contestants. (1st row, 2nd from d left)

to tell the truth i didint catch the show from the start or am i a consitent viewer...but from what i've seen..hafiz is a deserving winner.

fom the show, i gather what a person wants regardless of gender...to be seen and treated as an individual. to be respected, to be taken care of and cared about etc...etc....basically the things you want for you self.

when you thing about it.. it isnt that complicated.

however, what does make things complicated is the terms and conditions of the wants....

padan muka...

2007-02-25T16:23:00.000+08:00

that's what i can say to myself for now. i knew and was aware that the consequences will hurt. but i did it anyway...
so memang padan muka.

but to keep me sane. I'll keep this in mind. something i read and it goes something like this..
''there are no such things as bad experiences" i just need to make it into an educational one but i feel rather stupid for gaining that experience in the first place.

The Hierophant???

2007-02-25T16:17:00.000+08:00

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

found it on aileen's blog

my celebrity look alikes

2006-09-26T14:09:00.000+08:00

banyak bende...part 1

2006-09-26T13:51:00.000+08:00

banyak bende dh berlaku sjak kali terakhir aku memblog..
biase la..lifes moves on even though the my blog stays static...

where to start????
yg hapi dulu la...

setelah bertahun-tahun berhubung kot dlm talian. berkongsi cerita...akhirnya bertemu jgk.
saksi pertemuan KLCC.
macam blind date la plak. not totally blind. but partially blind sbb aku dh tgk muka dia pict² yg dia kirim. but thats no guarantee....
janji bertemu depan kedai bodyshop.
tapi aku tak tunggu kat situ. aku naik satu tingkat... cari port yang membolehkan aku to have a somewhat of a clear view of bodyshop and of a person who matches the description of FHS.

yang dinanti pun muncul.
tapi dia tak terus ke lokasi yang dijanjikan...dia lepak dulu kat bangku yg dekat lif tu..mata melilau mencari sesuatu...
tersenyum ..."hhehehe, nak spy aku ye...aku yang spy mu dulu"

after a few minutes of observation...aku pun turun.
kita pun bertemu.
all in all i had a good time and great company.

How un-Malaysian Are You?

2006-08-28T15:43:00.000+08:00

Congratulations ecot, you are 25% not Malaysian.

That means you're as Malaysian as...

Abdullah Badawi !

How Un-Malaysian Are You?

meebo.com

2006-08-28T15:39:00.000+08:00

kalau nk gna ym...tp ym kne block..
cm ape yg berlaku skg kat utm..
gi la ke
meebo.com

12.aug.2006

2006-08-21T13:48:00.000+08:00

27
Originally uploaded by eCot.

a few weeks ago a balik kuantan..to babysit.
parents aku terlibat dengan konvo kuktem sb abah aku rektor univ. tu.
aku kena jd babysitter sbb kakak aku tgh berpantang..dan antara adik-beradik aku, mak aku rationalise aku yang paling 'kurang busy' sbb aku tak kje n aku bawa 2 cdt hrs je sem nie....

konvo kuktem wat kat dewan jubli...dewan tu letaknya sebelah rmh rasmi MB phg and on the way ke teluk chempedak.

untuk memudahkan mak abah aku ke majlis konvo tu & acara² yang berkaitan dengannya. maka kitorang sefamili (mana yang ada la) berkampung kat hyatt kuantan.

yang aku rasa amat tak best kat hyatt kuantan. adalah kelembapan yang amat room servicenya.
nak minta extra bed kena tunngu berjamjam lamanya
1/2 jam pertama percubaan untuk hubungi ext. 4 -house keeping sbb ikut guest book ape² hal berkaitan dtgn bilik cam minta extra bed call diorg.
cubaan berjaya....talian ext. 4 berjaya ditembusi.
extra bed di minta... ext.4 pn kata 'nnt diorg hantar'.
the minutes of wait that past by turn into hours....
cubaan kedua & seterusnya keberapae kali entah untuk hubungi ext.4....
cubaan gagal .talian sibuk.
sbb bosan menunggu ...aku dgn mak aku pun turun ke lobi.
sampai ke lobi ...nurain bagitau ( petugas front office) yang patutnya kitorg patut just dial 0 pd phone kitorg. sbb smua call lalu kot front office dulu sblm ke dept. lain.

mendengar penjelasan itu...hati aku meyumpah 'hotel bodoh. napela ko tak tulis je bnde tu terang² kat ko nye guest book!!!! or beside the phone..membazir masa aku, guest lain n masa ko je...wat guest book yg serabai n useless tu!!!'

kami kembali ke bilik dengan janji extra bed tu on d way...insyaAllah bila kami sampai bilik..bed tu pun ada.

janji tinggal janji

sesampai di bilik. bilangan katil tetap sama. tetapi perkara lain plak yang berlaku....
selang hampir setiap 15 minute, front office call nak pastikan extra bed yg tak muncul² dh sampai.

aku rasa 3 jam lepas tu barulah aku dapat the extra bed.

result muet..

2006-08-01T14:47:00.000+08:00

result muet aku dh kuar...
results kira okay... i didnt score below my sisters...i'm on par with them. as they also got band 5.
band 6 is the highest you can go. it seem based on the results, competence lies in the reading comprehension and speaking component. however, my writing sucks!!!
i didnt even achieve half the mark which was 35/70.... i score below tht...
tapi lantakla.. benda dah lalu...

which blooging tool are you?

2006-08-01T14:41:00.000+08:00

You are smart and you excel in everything you do. Life is a breeze for you. You are a very lucky person.

Which Blogging Tool Are You?

just dropping by...

2006-06-14T17:50:00.000+08:00

xde mood nk type pun... but just wanted to fill the void

out of the blue...

2006-04-14T17:24:00.000+08:00

OMG… a looooong lost major crush during my junior years at technical school just called. SUKE NYE!!!

Help..i’m floating up to cloud nine. Some one please pull me back to earth as I got finals this coming Monday..

is it okay....

2006-02-23T13:26:00.000+08:00

2/21/2006 10:41:03 PM

is it okay to ditch a guy…. who rubs his tummy with outermost affection like a expecting mother when he’s full…who falls a sleep n snores even though is a full house in the Cineplex…who is almost as hairy a an orang utan…who most of the time NEEDS a mint but doesn’t have one…..

At first I could tolerate these things ...so far i've been do it for the last 2+ years but it started to change when this person…

who are agreed to keep things platonic but mutates into somewhat of a needy bf when u couldn’t answers his calls or reply his sms-es because you have insufficient credit or have better things to do...

It's okay rite????

morning mayhem

2006-02-16T11:46:00.000+08:00

The silence of the corridor was broken with a wail of screams. Heads turned…wondering the cause of commotions. ….their smiled. Well some of them did…

A reunion between friends...

maklumlah dh setahun lebih dh tak jmpa..padahal dekat je. dok sebumbung.....tapi bumbung tu besar..bumbung utm.

done with the screams and shriek of excitement and not to forget the hugs.. update report on each others' life................. n others to....a bit of morning gossiip does hurts..does it???
exchange of numbers and goodbyes

and life goes back to normal.

1234565

2006-02-14T17:09:00.000+08:00

you ran run but you cant hide...
the past will always find you...

1/4/2006 10:03:08 PM

2006-01-05T13:02:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year! Hope it isn’t too late to wish everyone that.

This new years’ a bit different than the rest as this is a new that I spent away from my family. Usually the new year for me…a gathering in front of the idiot box with my sisters counting down the seconds or being oblivious to the seconds away from the new year also due to the idiot box.

On New Year’s Eve...i had a school reunion. The expectancy was 30 people but unfortunately only 20% came. if you cant do the math.. Let me simplify it for you. Only 6 came. Sedih gila! What made it somewhat more depressing it was the organizer’s birthday. But he took it in his stride...being optimistic almost to the end before the reality kicked in and the denial overcome.

Where was I at the stroke of midnight, at that moment of transition from an old year to a new year???

I was standing at a traffic light waiting for the lights to change obviously wanting to cross the road la…with a long lost friend and rediscovered friendship by my side and my family screaming ‘happy new year!’ into my ears (via phone)

The lights changed colour…from red to green. Crossing that road…at that moment… Even thought how insignificant and trivial it seemed…gave me an assurance that with family and friendships, the crap that I went through the past few months…they’ll help me get over with it…that I’ll be okay.

Thank you my long lost friend for putting a smile on face and the reassurance back into my heart.

a different pace

2005-12-30T16:38:00.000+08:00

the new semester has started. has been almost a week into the new sem. for the majority of my coursemates, it will be the last semester- insyaAllah.
as for me...thts a different case.

as in any race...this one being a paper chase..to bestowed with a bachelor degree...which differentiate each participants are the pace their running. some might be faster than others, while some adopt a more relaxed pace.
my personal opinion is not the speed which you choose but the consistency tht you choose.
speed is not guarantee. a classic example, the hare n the tortoise. The hare at first had the lead by leaps n bounds. But the hare was proud and took his component for granted. The tortoise was unfazed and continued on. Well you knw the story.

Well I guess what I’m really doing here is away to comfort myself. Saying is okay to run a different pace. It’s okay not to always be part of the pack. Well come to think of it, I was not really 'in' the pack...mostly due to my solitude personality.

Being alone due entail loneliness sometime but its not as bad as having someone yet still feeling void of isolation.

runing a different pace isnt really a big deal. the big real is completing the race and NOT droping out especially when so close to the finish-line.

12/21/2005 9:42:30 PM

2005-12-22T19:11:00.000+08:00

Just got back from megamall kuantan. When there to accompany my sister to get her hair done. Since rebonding usually takes an eternity for especially for those who is just the observer and not the experiencer…I went to catch a movie and do some window shopping.

Wanted to watch king kong but unfortunately both the 2.30pm n 4.30 show was full. So we settle for perhaps love..since we’re already seen narnia..my sis aida cant handle thrillers if she can help it (The fog)…and Rock we predict, we could watch it for free during raya..anyway I didn’t find the trailer or any of its tv promo the least captivating or..enough to spark a tiny desire watch the movie.

After aini was done with her hair(after 5hours)..we when n got something to eat at pizza hut. Tried the pizzahut’s new promo..morocon something(dnt remember its name) well it tasted okay..

Didn’t eat much as I was still a bit full with mcD’s double cheese burger large value meal i had b4 the movie.

It wasn’t tht appetizing ..the pizza..which I attribute to the full stomach but it was okay. Much better than the golden ring piece of crap rubbish which in my personal opinion they might have forgot to taste test it first or the taste testers taste bug died without them noticing it.

The movie…OMG..was spectactular…I don’t really watch mandarin flicks.its my 2nd movie which I caught at the cinema instead the usual idiot box we all love after a movie entitled slim till death (my 1st midnite flick).i give it 4 ½ out of 5.but then again im easy to please.

hmg

2005-11-18T16:39:00.000+08:00

stumble upon hotmalaygirls.com.

there's nothing much really. just a bunch of girls exposing some skin.. if u ask me. n some of them lot almost a like...
hrmmm...beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

1654984

2005-11-14T11:55:00.000+08:00

11/11/2005 11:11 PM

Went out with some classmates of mine for a movie… Its been 5 years we‘ve been together in the same course n thts was the first time I went out with them.

How did it happen?

Hari ni, Aku kuar dari exam awal. Ada caler pensil yg aku pinjam dr fiza. Fiza tak kuar lagi so kena la tunggu dia. Pada masa yg sama… haida, teh, jimmy pun tgh lepak kat situ. Haida- pengantin baru class kiita tengah tunjuk gambar kawin dia. So aku pun tumpang sekaki.

Sungguh ayu n berseri wajah pengantin baru di hari pernikahannya. Kurung putih salju lambang lembaran baru kehidupannya bersama suami tercinta untuk diwarnai bersama.

Dh aku ada kat situ n tiada ape yang lebih menarik untuk menarik perhatian aku.. aku wat la peramah. Meyampot mana yang perlu….

Pstu aku teringat...jimmy is a bit of a movie buff.

So aku Tanya la...’dh tgk chicken little ke blm?’ dgn anggapan mungkin dia dh tgk n aku nk skit commentary abt the movie. Tapi rupanya…..

Dia blm tgk but he heard its currently the #1 movie in the US.

Aku pun diam…dok fikir…”c F tu free ke tak this weekend? Ke dia ke KL ? hrmmmm”

Tgh wondering n pondering abt F….

Jimmy berkata-kata “are u asking me out??”

Hati berkata “ not really, it was just a question.” Tapi mata yang melihat lalu mulut pun berkata “hrmmm,yeah”

… itulah al kisahnya…

the movie.

Chicken little …

Best. Aku malas nak komen lebih².. tu biar jimmy buat kalau dia rajin. Hehehhe =p

The movie-for me- reminded me a bit of wars of the world minus tom cruise’s cute butt, taxi (the stuff abt getting over ur anxiety with singing), jersey girl n Charlie and the chocolate factory ( the complexity of single parent-child relationships).Signs (the crop circles),….

The moral of the movie…

Have faith in our children.
Ur physical size isn’t tht important what is…is the size of ur spirit n determination.

Cant wait for harry potter-the goblet of fire!

Nxt is exorcism of Emily rose….ni nk ajak sape plak?? Tapi not too keen on inviting F bcoz the thought of watchin a horror/thrillers flick with him doesn’t bring comfort to mind…its not tht I have anything against him…tapi entahlah.

sir knight

2005-11-10T12:53:00.000+08:00

a meeting of chance.
a chewing gum, a leaf and a his shoe.
bonded together.
created a bonding of friendship betwwen me n sir knight.
over time, we grew close but yet i distance myself
unwanting to face the realities of my heart.
secretly i was infatuated.
wanting him...longing for him.
but as the defination states...

infat·u·a·tion (plural in·fat·u·a·tions)

noun

Definitions:

1.temporary passion: an intense but short-lived and irrational passion for somebody or something

it was short lived.
yesterday the truth was revealed.
sir knight has found his lady.
n apparently its not me.
even though how distant i tried to place my heart.
it felt as though it was shot at point-blank repeatedly with every syllable spoken.
yet, i managed a smiled n wished him the best.
disguising the wound with the exterior of an understanding friend.

1 done. 3 to go...

2005-11-10T12:26:00.000+08:00

discourse analysis. finally is over .
but i'm not too sure it's really over for me.
to compare shit with my carry marks. i might presume tht shit will have a better ranking.
but tht's 2mrw's worry or the day after tht.

what's up next is materials adaptaion n design.
tried dloading the notes. but at a very 'convient' time they seem to be unavailable.
so i'll just make do with what i have. n pray for a miracle.
i'll think i'll do the same for my other subjects.
study n pray for some miracles.

its rainning n i'm bored

2005-11-09T16:05:00.000+08:00

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.
Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy.
You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts.
People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused.
But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?
But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine.
You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you.
A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down.
But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

You Are 20 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Your Ideal Relationship is Casual Dating

Maybe you're looking for love...
But mostly you're looking for fun.
You could get serious with the right person.
For now, though, you're enjoying playing the field.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You tend to take more than give in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

How Are You In Love?

You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced.
You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

What Your Underwear Says About You

It's important that your underwear doesn't offend anyone - in case you get in a car accident.

You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.
People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Lazy Chief.

Where You Lived: Ontario.

How You Died: Suicide.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

13461

2005-11-09T15:53:00.000+08:00

Your Hair Should Be White

Classy, stylish, and eloquent.
You've got a way about you that floors everyone you meet.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

white?? beruban suit me better???

1574

2005-11-09T15:49:00.000+08:00

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

i dnt agree

2685

2005-11-09T15:46:00.000+08:00

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

raya

2005-11-01T21:16:00.000+08:00

just a few more days to go.
this year gonna be different ...

stakat nie...
baju dh siap...

kad raya dh pos n dpt balasan

my raya cards

tinggal nk wat biskut je ....

chocolate chip biscuits in the making

pine n apple tats

beside the chocolate chips cookies n pine&apple tats...

theres fruit cake, kueh bunga cina, biskut oats... etc....

tht needs doing

grave digger

2005-10-25T13:49:00.000+08:00

i wanna stop.
but its seem hopeless.
i'm forsaken...
i wonder if am able to lift myself out from this grave that just keep going deeper and deeper...

chocolate coated candy

2005-10-24T15:22:00.000+08:00

he said, his voice full of of affection " i love you"
a whisper escaped from my heart " dont say it if u dont mean it"
"i do mean it..." he looks deep into my eyes
" i love you"
i wanted to believe....

well, tht was yesterday.
today, i think it was just bullshit.

because men are assholes!!!
what they say are just a bunch of shit.
cleverly disguised as candy..
chocolate coated candy...oozing with sweetness and temptaion.
a misguided belief tht everything will be fine and dandy and much more, if you believe...

love or lust

2005-10-23T22:28:00.000+08:00

current time: 2.54pm, 24 oct. 1005

at first i didnt want to post this blog..was a bit apprehensive
tapi lantaklah...
dont think. just do it
______________________________________________

i was in the shower...
and this thought pop in to my mind. ..
love or lust????

yeah.. i know the shower, great place to think right . ur naked n wet...condusive place.
but i dont mean in it in a sexual kind or way...
ok may be i do...i dont know.
i'm confused.

but where do these two paths will take me???
and both are sometimes interwine with one another tht its hard..sometimes almost impossible to distinguish among the two..
especially when ur heart, ur mind ..ur body...emotions and logic are all in conflict.
hhhhrrmmm... yang mana satu huh??

........

usually i dont think much about this stuff. not to the point that i want to blog about it
but the sequences of recent events go me thinking... i want to tell someone. i need to share this. but in real life, i cant open my mouth to talk about it. hearing my own voice talking about it. seeing the listeners reactin to it. when communication has taken place.. it can not be taken back. it's irreversible....and i have yet to find a person who i can share things without worrying to much about the about the conclusion tht they might draw. i'm not too much worried by judgement coz to me.. judgement is still open to interpretation. but with conclusions. their just a big full stop. period. the end!

and yes, i'm insecure.

there this song by cherr which goes something like this...
" if you wanna know.... if he loves you... its in his kiss"
well something to tht effect la...its an oldie. dont remember la...

from his kisses..his touch..
i feel tht he loves me.. he says tht he loves me.
but...
yet... my heart feels almost nothing for him.
i want to love him. really i do.
i dont want this thg thts going on to be fizikal only.
i want my heart to be in it too
but i cant find it..

oh but the way... if ur wondering..if i'm talking about sir knight.
well...sorry to disappoint. but its not him..
this is some one tht caught ToTALLy by surprise..
he went under the radar.. n just......wow!!!!
tht's all i can say.

i thought it was platonic. now its complicated.
the thing about a girl n a guy.. the opposite sex having a platonic relationship...
well, after a few experience. and this one which got a bit too far.
i think its bullshit unless the other person is gay.
but im still not sure....

would you ???

2005-10-20T15:32:00.000+08:00

last sunday...while reading the paper. i came across a news report stating that

"researchers found a synthesized version of a marijuana compound actually promotes development of new brain cells in rats, and this in turn was accompanied by a reduction in anxiety and depression."

so having read this news...with the finals just around the corner. maybe it be the perfect excuse for some to have a go at it.
as for me.... say NO TO DRUGS unless ur doctor (a certified medical professional) prescribes it.

some interesting finds:

Marijuana less cancerous than tobacco

'Infomania' worse than marijuana

a nation's lost

2005-10-20T14:49:00.000+08:00

today my mom called to inform that the our 1st lady has pasted away. at first the tragedy did sink in. it was around 9am.. I was sleepy having managed to dose off around 7am.

Even though, I don’t know her personally and my knowledge of her doesn’t go beyond her title of the 1^st lady. I still feel at lost. News about death does that to me.
To think tht a husband has lost his wife, children losing their mother…the love of their life.

BUt maybe her death might have a silver lining behind it….being a victim of breast cancer. Maybe her death,… how tragic it may be. Might spark awareness of breast cancer prevention and cure among Malaysian. ..who knows????

But till then…. My deepest condolences for the PM’s friends n families on their lost. On our lost.

PM's wife passes away

Endon to be laid to rest after Asar prayers

time killer

2005-10-18T12:39:00.000+08:00

i'm bored. im just here to kill time.
i got other things do to .. unfinished assignments & such.
but havent got the mood to do it.. n i left my pendrive at my room.
got no means of storage. n toooo kedekut to buy a disket...

so here i am.. a time killer..

158616

2005-10-17T13:43:00.000+08:00

it's here again. ramadhan.. bulan pose.. the fasting month. menahan diri dari lapar & dahaga dari terbit fajar hingga ke matahari terbenam...

in this month also.. the once a year.. food fest known here as param (pa=pasar ram=ramadhan) . besides providing glorious food…ok maybe I might be over doing it. The food isn’t tht superb but its something for a hungry stomach.

in addition for the food, there are other reasons why I like to go to the param….

Eye candy!!!!

They are rare things.. n u done see them often especially here.

But when u do, it is a moment to rejoice.

And during at the param… they come in full force.

Ahhh….hrmmmmm…..Food & beautiful men…..

Yes, I do ogle but its done discretely.

......

but last saturday .. was a different story.
let's just say ..
that luckily, my boobs are permanently attached to my body.
if not i'll be missing my right one due to tht insident.
.....
i was walking. minding my own business. seeing if there was anything attractive enough to buy... food tht is... then there was this bounch of guy...
aku jalan macam biase la...aku lalu tgh² diorang...sbb kiri kanan aku ada manusia yg tak memberi laluan.. tetiba laluan aku di tgh² these guys jadi sempit... aku kena sandwiched.
aku mengelak.
aku sengetkan badan...avoiding body contact.
the guy on my right could have done the same thing but NOOO!!
it was then that it felt as though my boobs were scraped from my chest.
sakit siot....physically not la.. tapi hati aku sakit.
apology?? none!
sometimes i think sorry has become the hardest thing to say to some poeple...
common courtesies are becoming more of a rarity.
tht person....who was wearing a firery soul tee...
in my moment of anger....
i hope next morning, when u wake up... ur penis has shrank into a twig and u have EE boobs.

284631

2005-10-17T12:43:00.000+08:00

….

type…type..type…then hit the backspace key..then type some more..backspace some more…. Why am I even up?

Oh yeah..now I remembered………….was writing in my journal..or should I call it a dairy?? Hrrmmmm….let’s decide later… then had this feeling. Yes, I wanna blog.

Then…oh shit…got no internet. So pandai! But lantak la…just type, post later… “like u haven’t done it before”

What to type huh???

Open diary…decided to call it a diary…read diary...content….that knight person. Same thing at blog

(Currently listening to: before I fall in love- coco lee)

People must think … I have nothing better to do… my whole world…the center of universe revolves around this knight person. Truth is…NOT TRUE!!!! He’s not the center of the universe…and if he does become the center of the universe. I think it be Armageddon by then…with the end coming really REALLY near. Look what happen in lords of the ring.. when one object had it all…one ring to conquer them all…hell broke lose. I know is not an applausebile example.. but tht’s the only thing tht came to mind..

Sorry…why am I apologizing?????!!

(Listening to cry- mandy moore)

this infatuation has to stop….STOOOPPP!!!!!

but im an emotional being…sometimes toooooooo emotional for my own good.. but tht what makes me, me. I’m human and not a perfect one!

Oh by the way. Is there such thing as a perfect human???? If u happen to bump into one…do tell me about it. What defines perfection in humans? What does make one human being perfect…a very subjective subject, but don’t want to go there…not now at least….

(Listening to: dare to move-switchfoot)

Where was I????

arrr..yess..the subject of ‘sir knight’…met by chance….a tale of a chewing gum & a leaf which got stuck to the sole of a shoe which was mistaken for laces becoming undone…(details will be provided later..if i feel like telling la)…numbers were exchanged…when on a few dates…a friendship is formed. …

Yes, sir knight knows I exist.

Does he know this blog exist??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, god forbid!!!!!!!! NOOO, he does not need to know!! He MUST NOT know.

And if he know?????

Well, he must shut the fuck up..i MUST not know if he knows.

Knowledge is power. It will make him powerful and leave me powerless.

For I have been told to be beware of him. More than once by a mutual friend and also by another friend….described as a Casanova, using his charms to bed women and leaving them once his lust is satisfied. Disappearing into complete oblivion. The mutual friend put it something like this….he is like the “smart tag system” in our highways. He just “slows down and drives through”. He’s just visible for seconds before he continues on his next conquest.

However, sir knight does not I have this knowledge

But..ahhhh.. the eternal allure of the bad boy…

“Women often want to fly in the face of danger and prove the tag false…men want to prove the reputation correct”-david smiedt

For now, my feet are still planted on the ground. Even though sometimes it does float up to cloud 9 but you can’t stay forever on a cloud. U can’t defy gravity. It’s just a matter whether it is a smooth landing back to earth or a disastrous crash.

Hopefully everything’s goes smoothly for me :)

(Listening to: crawl –Marion raven)…..--> fave song of the moment..

Lyrics: crawl –Marion raven

High on a hill

Heard a bird sing her song

Sang you were true

Well she got it all wrong

She didn’t know about your lies

And all your stupid alibis

Don’t you know, this bird got wise

Surprise surprise surprise

The writings on the wall… yeah yeah

In letters written tall… yeah yeah

I thought I’d let you know before I go

I will see you crawl

Fell off the hill

Into darkest of dreams

Promises broke

Ripped apart at the seams

So now you know this bird has flown

You will repay me what you owe

Don’t you know you’re gonna live

Alone alone alone

The writings on the wall… yeah yeah

In letters written tall… yeah yeah

I thought I’d let you know before I go

You made a big mistake…yeah yeah

Signed and sealed your fate…. Yeah yeah

I thought I’d let you know before I go

I will see you crawl

I’ll wait till the night comes

In the darkness you are no one

I’ll wait till the night comes

Until I know all your shadows are gone

The writings on the wall… yeah yeah

In letters written tall… yeah yeah

I thought I’d let you know before I go

You made a big mistake…yeah yeah

Signed and sealed your fate…. Yeah yeah

I thought I’d let you know before I go

I will see you crawl

10/12/2005 3:05:15 AM

Hear Me

2005-10-03T14:08:00.000+08:00

Hear Me Lyrics

by Kelly Clarkson



Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I'm far
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me

dedicated espeacially for sir knight

16973

2005-10-02T15:49:00.000+08:00

here i am again.. back 2 ccict.
am here with a mission- to do my assignment.
but who am i kidding. if i really was totally focus on it... would i first dload ym then login here n do my blog??? its a rhetorical question.n anyway.. the answer. well, just use ur inferring skills.

problem. i cant login to ym....please..please..please dont said tht ym's blocked here too. like most places in utm. what's this place coming to...so much of aspiring to be a world class uni..when some..oklah.lets use a few....when a few of the facilities arent tht userfriend....so leceh la.
aku nk bukak ym pun sbb nk dgr ke radio. not really in the mood to chat la.
my ym in on...just waiting for the radio now...selected genre-new releases.

.....
........
.................
....

my title heading is still empty. is it complusary to put a title on each blog.... sometimes.. when i type in the title.. i feel so restricted...so maybe starting from today...maybe la.
when i can be bother to think of a title...i'll put something random there...whatever pop in to mind at tht particular moment or just abuse the keyboard a bit..
can do not???
malas nk wait for your answer....just do it. tht the ppl at nike say. so i'll just do it la.

jpeg.virus

2005-10-02T12:50:00.000+08:00

babi arr..
bosan.. nak wat klje pun tak leh. padahal dh nak siap dh..
jsut a few finishing touches je..
tapi lkena wat balik smua...
nak tau nape????
pc aku kena virus..
aku rasa pun lebih baik tau.. dia haram je babi tu...tak nyusahkan aku.
viruis nie bebetul nyusahkan...
nasib baik aku tak wat thesis.
kalau tidak..bayangkan betapa maha dasyat aku bleh mgamukkkk..
dh kena wat balik smua...
malas btul la...
kalau ni individu nye kje...i'll take the suicidal approach. biar mampus sem nie...
tp nie tak boleh nak wat camtu..
nie group work....aku taknak bunuh org.

darkness falls

2005-09-28T20:38:00.000+08:00

i shouldnt be feeling this way. .. it feels so wrong. yet i cant deny my emotions.
today wasnt a sad day. nothing depressing happen...
today was a good day. the sun was shining.. there was a lovely breezee...the weather was peaceful. as a bonus...i spent the evening taking a stroll with my knight..
yet in the midst of me savouring those moments.
i felt so down. my heart was aching. a lump of emotion formed in my throat. the damn of tears felt it was about to break...
however i didnt want him to see it. i dont want anybody to see it....so i had to blink away the tears n swallow tht lump away....
but the pain i felt than ....is still there. why huh???

why huh... am i debating my feeling online??? in such a public domain but yet i become mute when im facing a real human being.
maybe its the feeling of anonymousity tht the web proviveds...the false shield tht i hide behind.
here i can strip naked..emotionally naked tht its (dnt let those dirty those linger in ur mind..NO i will never pose nake or nude!!!!..even though i do have a feeling the pictures will turn out looking fabulous :P) ...baring my soul. if not all of it ...partially.

but outside...
the real world.
letting someone see tht part of me.listening to myself.
knowing tht i'm sharing wht i'm saying...
i feels so naked in a way tht i feel totally so helpless n defenceless..so vulnerable. so like humdy dumpy...
i fall. smash into smithereens n never be put back together again.
this is how i felt when i when to see a counselor...
i felt so broken.
nothing much was said.
like niagara falls...the tears kept flowing.
i had a lot to say. a lot tht i wanted to let go.
but there was no dialogue except a internal monologue which was desperate to be heard but my lips were locked shut...
since tht day...i havent been back.
i wonder if she wonders about me. about how im doing....
but i doubt it. maybe i'm just another client....
out of sight..out of mind.

malaysian idol

2005-09-25T14:44:00.000+08:00

last nite's result was a shocker.
i thought i was nita.. for me..in terms was performances it was nita's nite.
however before the night took off paul did said something like... i'm not sure la...being the absent minded n scatter brain person tht i am... he said something like...' tonite's the nite for nita to attract the viewrs who are only tuning in for the finals' as adanel has already has a strong fanbase...i'm also a daniel fan but for the finals i voted for nita. (only just one vote la....jgn bazir cdt abah kata).

so there i was..watching tv.. in front of ktdi's mimi mart. the gathering was small which consisted of roughly less than 10 or so ppl compared to the the mass gathering for AF3.
the results....me sitting up straightn n leaning back comfortably..legs crossed..clam n composed. waiting for the moment of truth. ......
then jien accounted the winner of msian idol is....
daniel.

i totally lost it.
totally shocked n surprised.
my right leg which was crossed on my other leg suddenly kicked itself into mid air so it could position itself firmly on the grown.
my back lunges forward.
i took in a deep breathe of air with a bit of a maybe loud exclamation. for a nano second i forget to breath.
my mouth gapping.
OMG...

anyway congrats to daniel. been supporting u since i saw cry in the theather alimination rounds.
all the best...

read more about it...

..

2005-09-22T14:45:00.000+08:00

Pesez le matin que vous n'irez peut-être pas jusqu'au soir,

Et au soir que vous n'irez peut-être pas jusqu'au matin.

Be aware every morning that you may not last the day,

And every evening that you may not last the night.

-Engraved plaque in the catacombs of Paris

chptr 1
body double by tess gerritsen